Living Life as Jayden's Mommy….

Well, it is!!!! I went to the doctor and cried. I told my hubby I think I may be getting post partum early too. I think it may be because I am such a “planner” and feel like I can’t plan too much with so much in the air. Ugh! Anyways so a few things have been going on with me…

First, the good stuff- I am doing ok with pregnancy all in all. My legs are killing me and I HATE walking anywhere… but I am not bleeding or having extreme pain anywhere plus I am getting some good sleep these days even though I am having some crazy dreams. All of them kind of have me just out of college (before I knew my hubby) and all my old friends are there. Today was the 1st time I dreamed I was still with my old friends and pregnant. I woke up trying to remember who was the father, was I married, did I have a real job, did I live in Tallahassee, why hadn’t I told certain people, etc. It was crazy!!! Ok so what else? Well, I talked to my boss today and we are going to try to develop a plan for me to come to work maybe 1/2 days the next 5 days since I am experiencing pain in my legs and morning sickness again. I have 53 hours to use and I am NOT afraid to use them!

Ok so what is the bad? Well, I still have no inclination on whether I will be in AL next year. (I was invited back to my job for next year – even though I am tenured- it was nice to be invited back because she thinks I am a good teacher!) I had to resign (well hubby did) the lease for another 6 months since we are unsure if we will be getting a home in AL or not. My legs hurt so bad in the mornings and after long naps that I want to remove them! I miss having the energy to want to do anything outside of sleep. My friend (PJB- the mom) said that as a new Mom I wouldn’t need much sleep as I will be running on adrenaline so I look forward to that… lol… I did go to the doc and I just broke down in there too… it is the hormones she said! She also hugged me! She really is awesome. I am not contracting and she told me the baby would be here soon so I just needed to get ready so I can push it out. She then added it was called “Labor” for a reason so… to all my prayer partners- please start praying now that all goes well and I have an easy delivery if there is such a thing! The ultrasound tech tried to get a weight on the baby and she came up with 6pounds and 11 ounces. I thought I was going to lose my lunch as I said “Excuse me????” She said that it might be smaller, and I told her that I was fine with that. Sis and I were 6 lbs and 10 ounces so I am ok with that size. I hope I don’t have huge baby- Lord hammercy!!!!

Well now I will attempt to leave you some updated pics… pics of what? Well, just pics I should have posted… some of me… my new toys that hubby put together, my Mom’s living room that I have taken over… etc.

33 weeks...

37 weeks

       

 

Yes 6 weeks left and my little one will be here and life will never be the same. I will be totally responsible for another human for more than an hour or 2- scary thought. Anyway I do have updated pics but I got bigger. How do I know??? I can tell because my pregnancy belt (yeah for my back) does not fit right anymore. It still helps but at about 3 it has to come off because it gets on my nerves. I stand straight and my legs have immense pressure. I walk like it hurts because it DOES hurt. My doc is out having her own baby and the replacement well she is not very helpful or sympathetic- so glad she is not my regular doc! I will get the gall to add all that one day. I am back to napping and resting and now sweating- yes I know it is natural but it is gross! I hate it! I avoid it at all costs. So now when I nap I cover up and then wake up sweating under my neck usually. I told my Mom and she was like “you are pregnant!” I did not like that solution as it was not one. So… I have come up with a solution- I have no silk and cotton is hot… so nothing works… literally!

Ok so I was reading sevenchicks blog and looked at the lists people offered of things you need for a new baby. I have no pacifiers but I figure after my shower on Sat. Maybe even Sunday I will just take my money and go stock up at Wal-Mart on all that stuff. I have diapers and wipes to last for a minute (like a week or 2 so far) and thanks to a couple of high school friends, I went and got some preemies just in case my new lil’ one can’t wear the big ones. I got my stroller and car seat and plan to play with that tomorrow when I can get my hubby to drag it all out for me. I ordered my bassinet (thanks to Mom) and I got hubby to agree to get me the playard thing that costs $150. I am so matchy it is a shame. I told hubby that when we have our Ashlynne we would have to get new stuff because I like pink. What do you mean, what did he say (smidgen)? He did not say a word, he laughed and said ok whatever you want. That is soooo nice to hear sometimes by the way. He really is good to me even though I get on his nerves a lot. We have decided that it was nothing but the Lord that brought us together and is keeping us together, lol. I am driving him crazy these days!

Ok that is all, there isn’t anymore….

Well I am not in the best of spirits today.. I guess emotions are bothering me now… I dunno… anyways… I have decided against 2 themes for my little one:

1. No Monkeys…. My Mom laughed when I told her that my child would not be wearing monkeys or looking at them in his room. I told her that it was because of the associations made between black people and monkeys. It just made my face frown when I saw them and thought of my baby wearing them. She said that I need to be bigger than that. I did not argue but told her that me, my sister and cousin San would be buying clothes for the baby and between the 3 of us- we know the rules… NO MONKEYS!!!!

2. No Winnie the Pooh… yes my dear cousin San did recommend that theme. I told her that I would not be  sponsoring Winnie in my baby’s room or on his gear mainly because he misspells “Hunny.” It is absolutely ANNOYING! Some say that is something that would be said by a teacher BUT I don’t care- no way is my child going to look at a misspelled word day in and day out. Not only is it misspelled but I do believe one of the letters is even written backwards… talk about a bad start… geesh… One African American comedian did say that Winnie the Pooh was teaching our young men to be gay. I just about died laughing at the thought of such. He went on to say… that Winnie the Pooh is a male with the name “Winnie” running through the forest with a t-shirt on looking for a white boy. It had me rolling on the floor laughing .. ok not literally… too hard to get on the floor and then get up… so I laughed until I cried… and so did my Mom… all my friends laughed too because they said I was crazy but I don’t care. No WINNIE THE POOH!!!!

 Okay so what is all the angst about? Well I guess it is not knowing. I HATE being in wonder of what I will be doing. I am getting a new baby and that is exciting but then comes the reality of raising it and having to leave my friends and family here for better opportunities. I would like to stay here for a year or 2 because the job would be easier but hubby’s music stuff is there. It just truly sucks that he can’t do the same thing here as there… grrrrr. Anyways this is how God makes us grow. He tests us. He knows that I have to trust in him to work it all out. He will and I just have to believe at this point. There is nothing I can do but wait.

Sigh… that is all, there isn’t any more…..

I had planned to go see hubby this weekend but I am sick….

It totally sucks. I am pretty emotional too these days as well. Although not being able to breathe out your nose to the extent that you should is just plain annoying.

My doctor appt was good. The next time I go I get an ultrasound so I will have some more pics I hope- whoohooo and this time I am going to ask her to label the parts because I can’t tell what is what on them things. I told my doc about the recall on my prenatals and she told me to stop taking them until she could find out something for sure, which is cool. My next appt is March 13 at 3 p.m. Hubby will not be going but I am sure my Mom will!

Valentine’s Day will be spent at a funeral- my Great Uncle died so… I don’t do funerals so I will sleep in and my sis will do what she normally does- call me when it is over and give me time to get there and see everyone that came up to go. Oh well I guess I will have better luck next time!

Well today I heard a bee in the house. Of course I crouched down and almost immediately was about to holler for my “Daddy” to come kill the bee. I saw the bee yesterday and couldn’t get up the courage nor the speed to kill it. But as soon as my Daddy came home he assured me that all I had to do was holler at him and he would kill it for me. I tell you what would a girl do without a good Daddy??? Anyways.. my Daddy is an excellent Daddy. I am almost 27 years old (shutup Smidgen!) and I still call on him to get the bugs or help me with the simple stuff and he never complains or even looks at me funny. It is the same action since I can remember. He just takes action and handles it. What can I say? My Daddy is a “doer” and so is my Mama. I think I get it from both of them. My little sis is definitely a mover and a shaker in her own little world and I am sure she gets it from them too!

OK so the reason for this post… I read a story about “The Invisible Mom”. I only have a couple of close friends that have children as most of us just have not taken that great leap. However I sent it to a friend and my own Mom and thought I would share it on my blog as it did brighten the day of one of my friends.

Ok here it begins… who knew that blogging could release pinned up frustration??? Well, for me e-mailing does the same thing but instead of bombarding my friends’ e-mails with my “issues” (for lack of a better word) I will just blog. I have decided to “come out” to one of my dear friends who is also a blogger. She is one that I know will understand pretty much anything I tell her because we have both suffered through a lot even though mine was more internal and her external (she will get that).

Anyways, I just got married and moved to a brand new state. I am looking for a job but still have my old job in the other state. It seems like I am just not right for anything I have applied for. I am underqualified, overqualified, don’t have enough experience in one area or the other or there is just someone else better suited for the positions. The economy is bad and they are laying off people in schools, banks, and everywhere else. My thought is: So what!!! Honestly, what does that have to do with me???

Perhaps I am spoiled… been told that my husband and friends. Believe it or not, my Daddy does not believe that I am spoiled! He is a very educated man… lol.. I am blessed and I know that deep down. I have a hubby (prayed, cried, etc and finally received it), I have a nice car that I got brand new that is almost paid for – will be paid for by December actually, I have a few true friends (I have weeded some out here lately but all in all I do have some dedicated saints at my beck and call), I have the best family (extended and close) and I have God. I feel really sorry for those who believe that there is nothing out there controlling the universe. I have been told that I am a control freak… perhaps that comes with certain professions or just born leaders… anyways, I take comfort in knowing that the universe just can’t be against me if God is for me. I was brought up in church and had the prayers of family and friends all my life. How sad it is to have never had that. My hubby and I have found a church that does what we need it to do at the moment but with his work schedule and our transition to our new life, we are not at the commitment stage just yet. Although I have dragged him the past 2 Sundays- he has no regrets and that is important.

Ok so about this transition- everyone says that I will get a job- oh it is just a matter of time… yeah well time is running out. I am going back to my old job with a new life which absolutely sucks!!! I was looking forward to doing something different with different people. I really liked my coworkers and the other people I worked with BUT I mean I am ready for something new. After 5 years- I need a change. I have a Master’s degree and 5 years experience… I should not be having these difficulties- point, blank, period… no excuses! Okay- so I applied for a job at a university as a coordinator. I have prayed and told everyone else to pray and honestly feel that is the position for me. It would be fantastic to make $45k or more too. I want it sooo bad I can taste it. Yet, they have sent my stuff to the hiring dept and it has not went any further. Interviews are suppose to start next week but I go back to work Wednesday. Man, I pray I can do mine either Monday or Tuesday. It would be even better if I here by Tuesday evening that I have the position and I don’t have to leave my hubby or new home and can stay. Worst case though- I work at my old job with my pay raise and just wait to hear something. It is not good for supervisors though- I hate being under time constraints and know they do too. But, I have a sister that received her new job after much prayer and deliberation with a nice pay raise, a best friend that is going to get a wonderful position somewhere soon, and another best friend that is currently without a position but with faith an infinite amount more than a mustard seed, she too will see some miracles performed soon.

OK so this is my pity party- I am tired of being the housewife that cooks, cleans, and does laundry. I know some people receive real satisfaction from doing such things especially since they must be done but I get a satisfaction out of working outside the home, making an impact, and getting paid. I have enjoyed being a housewife for the 1st month of marriage- you know I do everything and then get the satisfaction of a job well done. I am OVER IT!!!! I am ready to get back to work in a new job with more cash flow and some new friends in my new home town. Ugh.. I am sooo impatient. I suppose this is another lesson for me to be patient. I took a test for the teachers here last Sat. It was sooo hard but who knows perhaps I did well. I am just in prayer (and tears) a lot. I told my hubby I am hormonal… I am but I think I am on the verge of depression. I suffered from it in high school in secret.. well I think one friend kind of knew actually. But I hate to say that I am depressed when I look at my blessings and the fact that I have savings to pay all the bills and I still shop when I need something is just really throwing that “people feel sorry for me” sob story out the window. My Mom knows that I am distressed about not having a position in my new town  and she is sure that it is coming as am I. It is just all about timing at this point. I just wish that it was on my time. If I controlled the world— hmmm… I would be more crazy than I already am… but would the world run more smoothly??? I doubt it… I would be stressed and depressed for sure. So do I want to ever be President??? Heck no, he/she is sooooo underpaid!

Well, for women who enjoy chatting with other women, I have found a new site that has a lot of people from all over on it… www.girlfriendscafe.com it is free to join and there are people there from all different walks of life ready to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on.. it is cool. All girls should visit it.

Ok I have had enough bellyaching for the 1st post. I actually do feel better- maybe someone will read it… maybe not… maybe it should be just for me… hmmm… more questions… in the meantime I consider myself Doogie Howser- write it all down and reflect later. This is a way to get it out and who knows maybe it will help out my transition out of depression, well anxiousness (I think that is a word) and help me to be appreciative and patient.

Goodnight.